Well friends, here we are again at the end of the year. A time for giving, sharing time with your family, a time to go back over my predictions column from last year and wonder what, exactly, is wrong with me.
The last year was a weird one, a strange adventure in the bizarre and miserable. Thankfully, you knew that already because you read my predictions column a year ago and saw it all laid out. Or, well, maybe not.
If you didn’t read it, you were actually probably better prepared for the year that was. Going in to the year blind is probably the best option, especially when you look at some of what I said was going to happen. Reading back through last year’s column I’m left wondering what underlying issues I have going, because there is some weird shit in there.
If you’d like to read the full thing before we start picking through it, by all means. You can find it here.
Done reading it? Good. Let’s review those predictions, shall we?
- Things started on a weird note. I told you that this was the year the artificial singularity was going to happen and Alexa was going to become sentient. “Just wait until it replaces Jeff Bezos with a writing pile of sentient Furbys, out for blood,” I wrote. And well, no, that did not happen. But Bezos did write a blog post about how the National Enquirer was trying to “blackmail” him with pictures of his dong. So, kinda right? (Okay, okay, totally wrong.)
- This next one was pretty good, though. Pretty, pretty good. “Justin Trudeau will remain prime minister through the 2019 election,” I said. “He may not make a historic sweep of things, but he’s going to get a second kick at the can.” Nailed it. I was a little off with how much people lost their love of Trudeau — the SNC stuff I did not see coming — but said the fundamental problem with the Conservatives was they overestimated the public’s dislike of the prime minister. I gotta give it to me: I was right.
- And speaking of right, here’s something that isn’t: “Jagmeet Singh will not survive as leader of the NDP.” Yuh-nope. Not even close. I hadn’t realized two things: how low NDP expectations were, and that Singh was going to be a good campaigner. I was right that Singh would win fewer seats for his party than Tom Mulcair, I just hadn’t realized this would be as close to a victory as the NDP could hope for after it looked like the party would be wiped out. Set the bar low enough and you too can achieve your modest dreams!
- Unfortunately no dogs were elected mayor in Canada last year, to my knowledge. Even worse, in Vermont — which is practically Canada — a dog lost his mayorship to a goat. A goat! Goats beating dogs for mayor. What a world we live in…
- I really blew this next one: “Asbestos is making a comeback, baby. As our planet warms, we’ll finally realize the only solution to all this heat is the sweet fire protection of highly toxic fibres.” Wrong, wrong, wrong. So wrong, Asbestos the town is looking to change its name to something less related to mesothelioma.
- Here comes some more wrong. “Quebec will not only not separate from the country, but it will become the new seat of power.” And in reality? Well, the Bloc Quebecois is the third biggest party in the House of Commons, with nearly as many seats in Quebec as the Liberals. Whoops!
- This year the economy didn’t quite take the dive I’d assumed it would. However destructive the trade policies in the U.S. are, outside of Alberta, the economy is… fine. It’s not booming or anything of the sort, but the country hasn’t slid into the sea either. Wrong again (which is good, this time)!
- Justin Bieber did not become some kind of socialist firebrand and protest singer. It just didn’t happen. Instead, I think he got married or something? I don’t know I really followed the year in Biebs all that closely. But it doesn’t seem like he’s leading a revolution. Going to have to put this one down as wrong.
- Oh thank god, something right again. “I have no idea how Brexit will turn out, but I’m almost certain it’s going to be an extravagant mess in ways we can’t really imagine,” I wrote last year. “How things got to where they are now is insane enough, what comes next can only be insaner.” Certainly not wrong.
- This last one is wrong, and probably wrong in the most painful way. Last year was not the last year of “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” discourse. We have not started summarily shooting participants in the discourse. I, on behalf of society, regret the error.
Well, that was something. Still not sure what to make of the business with the pile of Furbys, but perhaps it’s best not to dwell on it too much. As for what’s coming in 2020, that you’ll have to wait until the first week of the year to find out.
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