Look, predicting the future is hard, particularly when things happen that make no goddamned sense.
How was I to know that Patrick Brown would be accused of sexual misconduct, get booted from his job and then caucus and then get elected mayor of… Brampton? Am I reading that right? I thought he lived in Barrie.
Anyway, it is once again the time of year where I go over last year’s predictions column and see just how right I was the year before. What follows is part extremely accurate, part total blood bath. If you’d like, feel free to take a minute or two to refresh yourself on what I said with full confidence would happen in 2018 from my January vantage point, you can find last year’s column here.
With that out of the way, let’s begin with the biggest errors.
I want to apologize to readers off the top about the water jetpacks. They do not seem to have really changed price. This is my goof, and I’m incredibly embarrassed. If you held out all year hoping for this to come true, I’m sorry to have ruined the mild and probably fleeting thrill of flying on blast of lake water.
There was also the previously mentioned matter of Brown and the premiership. Last year, I said I figured Kathleen Wynne would hang on as premier because Brown’s brand of leadership wasn’t really going to fly with Ontarians. Which was kind of correct, I guess? Brown isn’t premier! So there’s that. But Wynne is most certainly not premier. You win some, and you lose some that you fortunately did not put any actual money on.
Andrew Scheer was never fired from a cannon over the St. Lawrence, and found himself at no point embroiled in some made-in-America popcorn scandal. This was an insane thing for me to predict, and while I should probably regret the error, I do not.
Kevin O’Leary is unfortunately still with us. He’s even being invited along to live streams by the actual winner of the Conservative leadership race, to boost Scheer’s popularity, I guess? Not sure I follow the logic, but anyway. O’Leary is also suing Elections Canada because he’s a big dumb baby who can’t figure out how to pay off his campaign debts. There’s a reason we don’t let rich people pay all of their expenses out of pocket. It’s to prevent ding-dongs like O’Leary from running without any actual support. Alas, he ran. And now he’s taking out his inability to play by the rules on the rules, not his ineptness. Seems he’ll be around a while longer.
But enough about how wrong and terrible I am, let’s talk about the good stuff. The stuff that shows what a big, appropriately moistened brain — not too wet, not too dry, just right! — I’ve got. Let’s focus on what a brilliant visionary I am in my ability to predict the sweep of events, and my stunning grasp of the future.
Elizabeth May almost certainly has been made humanity’s representative in an extra-dimensional senate by a bunch of aliens. We just don’t know about it because they don’t want us to know about it. Wake up people!
Now, the prime minister did not end up in a nude kite surfing pyramid thing with Richard Branson. But! Justin Trudeau did find himself in vacation/travel brouhaha when his tour of India lurched from one disaster to another. Costumes, check! Convicted failed assassin, you bet that’s a check! I said things would happen in April, but you know what they say, February is the new April.
CBC did not actually premiere a new standalone period detective show. But what we didn’t notice is how quickly the rest of their lineup became period detective shows. I doubted the cast of Murdoch Mysteries would be a good fit as rotating anchors of The National, but boy was I wrong. The way they end on a cliffhanger every night? Magic. (I’m assuming this is what happened to The National. I don’t actually watch it, but obviously I don’t need to.)
Canada still doesn’t have jets, the RCMP have charged the Navy’s top man over alleged leaking, other ships are over budget, and the one ship that does work and is good will be the only one bought by the government. Sounds to me like another correct prediction.
Donald Trump is still saying things, and it’s still more bananas each day. Right again.
Finally we come to Québec and the provincial election. I want to quote myself here for a second: “So, this might be the province’s chance to choose the third-party Coalition Avenir Québec, led by François Legault. I think this is finally his year.” If there was a camera for me to mug to right now, you best believe I’d be mugging for it. That friends, is a correct-as-hell prediction. Legault is premier!
Well, that’s it for recapping last year’s predictions. Next time in this space, I’ll give you my vision for 2019. How will it look? Probably pretty dire! But I guess we won’t know for sure until I lay it all out.
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