Here we are then, at the wind-blasted start to a frigid new year. Twenty-eighteen has still got that new-mouth feel to it, so it’s time to guess what’s going to happen while we still struggle to write the correct date on our post-New Year’s Snaps.
Even though I’m a really, really good prognosticator — I only got three guesses completely wrong last year!* — I think you all should know that despite the copious amounts of, uh, science I’m doing to make these predictions, they aren’t guarantees of the year to come. I’m not Nostrodamus. If I was, I’d have a show on the History Channel by now.
But I think I’ve got a solid enough track record, on par with a decent-but-not-great batting average, that this is a worthwhile exercise. So let’s go on a journey, through the crystal ball, into the mists of the near future, and see what 2018 has in store for us.
- Jetpacks will drop significantly in price this year, at long last. Unfortunately we’re talking those lame jetpacks that lift you using the power of lake water sucked through a big hose you see in those Facebook videos that get popular every few weeks. Ah well, maybe the dream will come true in 2019!
- There’s an Ontario election this year, and as tempting as it is to rule out Kathleen Wynne and her Liberal party for being desperately unpopular, I just can’t. I don’t think Ontarians like her or her government very much, but I don’t know that they like anyone else enough to actually do anything about that dislike. Patrick Brown seems like a decent alternative, but there’s more than enough internal strife in the Progressive Conservatives to sink their hopes. And the NDP? Andrea Horwath made such a hash of her last election — “dirty diesel trains” comes to mind — there isn’t much reason to put faith in her this time around. As absurd as it might seem, I’m betting on another Wynne mandate.
- CBC will premiere another period detective drama. Presuming there is more blood to be squeezed from this barren stone, the twist will be this show will take place in, say Calgary? Vancouver? Eh, it doesn’t really matter, they’ll film it in Toronto anyway.
- Justin Trudeau will not take a phenomenally stupid vacation in the first couple months of the year. Chastised by the ethics commissioner just before Christmas, the prime minister will have absorbed the lesson offered — accepting extravagant gifts from the very rich looks bad. Come, say, April all bets are off. Trudeau’s shown very little agility when correcting his mistakes, so it’s probably only a matter of time before he shows up in a nude kitesurfing pyramid with Richard Branson in the waters off the billionaire’s private island.
- Donald Trump will say something fantastically dumb. So dumb, and so untrue, you will literally not believe what you’ve just heard/read. Two days later, you will have forgotten this absurdly dumb-false thing when he does something even dumber and way falser. And onward the clock will spin.
- Canada will further bungle it’s attempts to buy fighter aircraft and navy ships. We’ve gone for years trying to replace our rotting ships and our rickety aircraft. This government, like all governments before it, can’t help but screw this up. We’re going to end up with so many F-35s at the end of this, and we’re going to buy them in such a panic, we’ll pay way too much for them. It’s the Canadian way.
- Kevin O’Who?
- This year, I’m putting my money where my mouth is and buying a 6/49. So, this year’s 6/49 second drawing in February will be: 02-11-18-23-34-42 with a bonus number of 09. Looking forward to splitting the prize with all of you! (Wait a second…)
- Quebecers also go to the polls this year, and I don’t see Phillipe Coullard’s Liberal government sticking around. Which is weird, because the economy is doing really well, and the province seems to have a renewed sense of confidence. You’d think this would be good for the current government, but I have a feeling it’s bad news. Quebecers aren’t so hung up on sovereignty anymore, so we might actually get an election about something else. As good as things are going, people don’t like Coullard, he’s got an off-putting aloofness, that borders on arrogance. People are tired of the Parti Québécois’ constant separation drum beat, and Jean-François Lisée is way too keen to let everyone know how giant his brain is. So, this might be the province’s chance to choose the third-party Coalition Avenir Québec, led by François Legault. I think this is finally his year.
- Extra Terrestrials will land on this planet. They will choose Elizabeth May to be humanity’s representative in the Etherial Senate of the Fourth Dimension. Why? It’s hard to be sure, these are aliens after all, but don’t rule out something to do with WiFi.
- Andrew Scheer’s love of popcorn will become a major political scandal, when it’s revealed he prefers American-made popcorn. This clear act of betrayal — nay, treason, will see him fired out of a cannon across the St. Lawrence into Upstate New York.
There it is, your year ahead, laid out in iron-clad form. What could go wrong? Nothing! Nothing at all!
*The three most consequential. Ahem.