I’ve got a lot of problems with you people. And since December 23 is a Sunday, now you’re going to hear about it.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, again: Remember when I pointed out how your version of feminism appeals almost entirely to middle- and upper-class white women? This is a perfect example of your blind spot.
The chief of staff to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau: If you were doing your job correctly, with the discretion traditionally expected of high-level political staff, nobody would know your name. Delete your account.
Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer: We’ll probably never get on, you and I. But what the hell was this?
Opposition critic Pierre Poilievre: In the wretched hive of hypocrisy that is the House of Commons, you may be the king termite.
Opposition critic Michelle Rempel: And you, the Tennille to Poilievre’s Captain, need to make two resolutions for 2019: 1. Tone down your rhetoric about . . . well, tone down your rhetoric. 2. Stop talking about yourself.
NDP leader Jagmeet Singh: I actually can’t think of one thing you did right this year, except perhaps for deciding to focus on housing. And even then, I question your characterization of the problem as “national.” But, really, sticking to Burnaby South when there’s a much better riding for you in Brampton suggests your instincts are sorely lacking.
People’s Party leader Maxime Bernier: You broke my heart, Max. You broke. My. Heart.
The Supreme Court of Canada: In siding with provincial liquor authorities over Canadian consumers, you have accomplished nothing but hinder progress toward a state of interprovincial economic freedom that should have been in place decades ago. If your official duties require you to dress up as well-known Christmas figures, might I suggest this one?
Ontario Premier Doug Ford: Stop micro-managing. In particular, stop micro-managing by firing people you don’t like. You’re making Ontario look bad to potential investors.
The chief of staff to Ontario Premier Doug Ford: See entry re: the chief of staff to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Montreal Mayor Valerie Plante: Easier said than done, perhaps, but you shouldn’t apologize to anyone for addressing a crowd of mostly English-speaking tech professionals in English.
Manitoba Health Minister Cameron Friesen: Congratulations. The Sid Davis Award for “dumbest comment made by an elected official regarding the legalization of cannabis” will arrive at your office in six to eight weeks.
Former Prime Minister Stephen Harper: Perhaps some people see no difference between patriotism and nationalism. But you are not that stupid, so stop acting like it.
Staffers and ex-staffers of pretty much every significant party in Canada: If you had lives before you signed your minds away to your party, please do whatever it takes to get them back. Nobody wants to see you kissing your boss’s ass all over Facebook. Ever.
Television and radio producers who book the above staffers and ex-staffers for panels: I’ve had your job before. I know it’s hard to get a lineup together by deadline. But these people add nothing but party-approved pabulum to whatever debate they’re having.
Albertans who think separation from Canada is feasible: You want us to believe that you can get off equalization, end sales taxes, end carbon taxes, and ensure the lowest business and personal taxes in North America, while simultaneously establishing your own police service, employment insurance plan, and public pension plan, funding both private and public schools at 100 percent, keeping all public services intact, setting a $45,000 standard of living, and being geographically cut off from any tidewater that could possibly be used to take your major revenue-generating resource to market. I can take your anger seriously, but not much else.
Bylaw officials across Canada: There should be a higher threshold for violations than one complaint that happens to centre on finding something ugly. Don’t you have better bylaws to enforce?
This Hour Has 22 Minutes: Why do you still exist?
I’ll be back with (no doubt) more grievances next year. Happy Festivus!
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