This week, Prime Minister Mark Carney promise to recognize a Palestinian state provided that its leaders can abandon violence and become a liberal democracy — and do so by the end of the summer.
Carney’s conditions are basically impossible: Gaza remains in control of a literal terrorist organization that refuses to surrender, while the Palestinian areas of the West Bank are in the hands of a Palestinian Authority that has suspended elections since 2005.
The other easy critique — and the one being made by the Conservatives — is that it rewards terrorism. For decades, Canada has explicitly rejected unilateral recognition of a Palestinian state, including in a House of Commons vote held just last year. The only reason Carney is breaking with this precedent is because of a series of events that kicked off with the slaughter and mass-rape of hundreds of Israeli civilians on Oct. 7, 2023.
In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week is a bit different. Below, an imagined look at Mark Carney’s notes on whom he’ll be offering statehood to next.
Alberta
At a time when Canada faces threats unlike any since the Second World War, complete national unity is an imperative. This may include the extension of self-determination to regions such as Alberta which pose barriers to this. However, this is predicated on Alberta’s agreement to much-needed social and political reforms. If, in the next six weeks, the province can suspend its oil sector, transition its vehicle fleet to 50 per cent EVs and phase out its environmentally destructive beef sector in favour of more sustainable nutritive options such as quinoa or jicama we will recognize a State of Alberta at the 80th session of the United Nations General Assembly.
Afghanistan
The worsening condition of Afghan women and girls leaves no room for delay in a co-ordinated international action to extend peace and security in the recently established Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan. For this reason, Canada will recognize Afghanistan and its Taliban government and urge our European partners to do the same. That is, if the Taliban government can sign a memorandum of understanding to recognize the systemic equity-hostile dogma of its current policies and commit to hiring marginalized Afghans in at least 11.5 per cent of civil service positions.
Puerto Rico and Stephen Colbert
Bullies like Donald Trump only understand strength. This is why, in a bold show of diplomatic convening power, Canada will unilaterally recognize Puerto Rico as the 51st U.S. state, and immediately petition Washington to make space for Puerto Rican representatives in its Senate and House of Representatives. We will also be instructing our diplomats to indefinitely continue recognizing Stephen Colbert as host of The Late Show.
The Hells Angels
The Hells Angels have represented a pervasive threat to Canada and its people, given their long-established commitment to illicit drugs, prostitution, insufficient protective wear and other societally damaging conceits. It is why we must partner with those Hells’ who choose peace over criminality as the only roadmap to a secure and prosperous future. Should the Hells Angels pledge to fundamentally reform their governance structure, we shall recognize an independent Hells Angels state in which drug and human trafficking play minimal roles.
Mark Carney
Donald Trump wants our resources, our water and our land, and will stop at nothing to get them. That’s why it’s imperative we recognize the statehood of myself. As a sovereign entity, Mark Carney will be given much-needed extraordinary powers to pursue the projects and arrangements necessary to strengthen the Mark Carney economy and fortify it against outside threats to Mark Carney.
