That it’s, I’ve had enough.
I was stuck in Halifax when the Queen showed up, and I barricaded myself in my house to avoid the onslaught of salivating royalists. I found myself in Montreal when the prince and princes — or duke and dukess, or whatever — came and wandered about; but I stayed a swords-length from the gleeful protesters.
Now, completing the trifecta, is that king-to-be and that-woman-who-isn’t-Princess-Diana, skipping across the country.
Tour me once, shame on me. Tour me twice, shame on…uh.
We can’t get toured again.
Now, listen. There are lots of Canadians who love those scepter-wielding monarchs. You can’t blame them — tradition is a very nice thing.
But I’m not much of a sentimentalist. I tend to ascribe to the view that foreign nationals with unchecked veto power on our sort-of sovereign state is not a good thing. Heck, it might even be a bad thing.
Perhaps it’s also because I grew up in an Irish Catholic household and, while I may not have been burning the Liz II in effigy, I wasn’t exactly instilled with much Commonwealth pride.
Whatever the reason, I am willing to stand up and be counted.
It’s time to behead the Canadian monarchy.
That may seem a little extreme. But consider this: we don’t have a Canadian monarchy. We have an English monarchy that moonlights as our head of state. The Canadian monarchy is like a part-time party clown: they show up at kid’s birthday parties to entertain everyone, but then goes back to their real job as prison warden.
So I suggest that we, figuratively, behead the Canadian monarchy.
I mean, thanks, England, for all the fish. You guys did a good job of coming and conquering this land. You may have killed untold scores of indigenous people, but at least you signed treaties with them afterwards. (We’ll need to get those re-written when we cast off from the motherland.)
But, ultimately, the sun has set on the English empire and it’s time we consider moving out of their basement.
And it’s not like I’m the only one who thinks this way. 45 per cent of Canadians want to end this silly affair once that lady in the big hat passes onto that great palace in the sky. 70 per cent are audacious enough to want the Canadian crown to reside in Canada.
So, if I may be so bold, I’d like to suggest a few alternatives:
There’s a very real concern that having some sort of Canadian president would foster a struggle for democratic legitimacy with the Prime Minister. Solution: pick some Canadian, at random, to be our national figurehead. It could be Darcy from Port Aux Basques, Jacques from Trois Pistols, Muhamed from Brampton, or Leslie from Calgary. It could be anyone. That way, they would have no democratic legitimacy whatsoever.
Pro: Everyone gets re-engaged in the democratic process.
Con: That guy who keeps walking down your block while muttering to himself became President and declared war on Latvia.
Canada’s got talent
If a demarchy isn’t your style, how about a meritocracy? Every five years, Canada holds a national talent competition to see which weirdo becomes our Governor General — it could be that yodelling lady, a bunch of guys in morph suits, or even that dog who can do crazy tricks.
Pro: Canada becomes the coolest country in the world.
Con: President Dog won’t dissolve Parliament until the Prime Minister throws the frisbee.
We could go Roman-style and throw our presidential prospects into a colosseum, letting them duke it out until only one remains.
Pro: Emperor of Canada would be a badass.
Con: The public murders.
We could just appoint Leonard Cohen.
Pro: Leonard Cohen.
Order of Canada
We have a bevy of painfully talented Canadians, just sitting around and staring at their huge Order of Canada medals. Why not push them into a convocation — Pope style — and have them elect one from their midst to serve as the utterly powerless face of the federation?
Pro: Arts and culture becomes a renewed focus in the country.
Con: Governor General Margaret Atwood keeps forcing us to buy her new books.
How about we hide a crown somewhere in the country, and the first person to find it becomes the King or Queen of Canada?
Pro: Boosts tourism.
Con: President Mantracker keeps renewing his mandate.
Happy Patriot’s Day, everyone.
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