The abject moron’s guide to avoiding political sex scandals

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If you were to tell me that a former cabinet minister under Stephen Harper would be embroiled in a sex scandal this year, the last person I would guess is ex-Treasury Board President Tony Clement, who despite being married with three children always looks like he needs sex explained to him.  Yet, here we are.

Says Conservative leader Andrew Scheer, who initially accepted Clement’s resignation from his justice critic portfolio and a number of committee roles, only to boot him from caucus after talk of a pattern emerged: “I don’t know that too many people would have to be told not to share explicit images and videos with people that you haven’t met, but obviously this is a terrible decision.”

No bloody kidding.  But I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for Clement doing who knows what on video (pray we never find out) because some online rando asked him to.  Maybe his judgment was clouded by grief for the widow who offered to deposit her recently deceased husband’s billions into his account earlier that day.  Or maybe he was just happy that someone was interested after all those Instagram likes got him nowhere.

Either way, sending graphic content of oneself over the internet to a complete stranger is best avoided.  Better to send graphic content to people you’ve met before.  Multiple people.  People who work with you, or even for you, every day.  People who haven’t asked for it, and therefore can’t possibly be trying to extort you.  Oh, wait.

Does it sound like I’m enjoying this?  Perhaps I am, the way one might enjoy a video of someone trying to steal a salmon from a bear.  In the #MeToo era, it takes effort to commit such thunderingly obvious “lapses.”  But since Scheer is very busy posing for ads for his new personal injury law firm,  I’ll provide politicians and their staffers with some incredibly rudimentary tips on how not to be made to resign because of an errant wang.

  • Do not have sex with anyone except your spouse, long-term partner, or trusted friend with benefits.
  • If you insist on having sex with anyone who does not meet one of the above criteria, make sure they have as much to lose as you do if anyone ever finds out.
  • Do not take photos or videos of your genitals.
  • All sex must be consensual.  Informed consent is undermined, if not outright negated, if your partner is significantly younger than you (half your age plus seven is a good rule of thumb, and only if this sum is over 16), physically or mentally incapacitated (including by the influence of alcohol or narcotics), or in your employ.
  • Do not send e-mails, text messages, or any other form of recorded communication that is sexual in nature to anyone who meets any of the above criteria.
  • Do not make fleeting comments of a sexual nature to any of those same people.
  • Short of handshakes, high-fives, hugs, and cheek-kisses, do not make any physical contact with any of those same people.
  • Seriously, do not take photos or videos of your genitals.
  • Do not have any interactions of a sexual nature with a person you have never met face-to-face.
  • Do not have any interactions of a sexual nature with anyone while conducting government business at home or abroad.
  • Do not have any interactions of a sexual nature in exchange for money, access, or information.
  • I really cannot stress this enough: DO NOT take photos or videos of your genitals.
  • Do not store any images or messages of a sexual nature on your government-issued computer or other electronic device.
  • Do not access pornography websites using your government-issued computer or other electronic device.
  • Do not access erotic fanfiction using your government-issued computer or other electronic device.
  • Especially the weird stuff.  Apparently there’s a subgenre of fanfic involving anthropomorphized birds.
  • DO NOT TAKE PHOTOS OR VIDEOS OF YOUR GENITALS.
  • Do not visit a strip club, sex toy shop, or social gathering where strippers and/or sex toys are present, unless you can be certain that no one present or passing by will recognize you.  (Spoiler: You can’t.)
  • If all else fails, pretend you don’t have a sex drive at all.  The public would prefer you didn’t.
  • THOSE THINGS NEVER DISAPPEAR.
  • AND YOU ARE ALMOST 60 YEARS OLD.  YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.
  • DON’T DO IT.  EVER.

More from Jess Morgan    Follow Jess Morgan on Twitter at @JessAMorgan89.

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