63 Canadians dead in the fireball that consumed Ukraine International Airlines Flight 572, and thankfully someone thought to ask our PM (and his new beard) whether he's angry about it or not. Luckily for this anxious world, he responded in "non-Trump-style-fashion", although not everyone was happy that the question was asked. (The beard could not be reached for comment.)
And guess what? I can't be mad at Trudeau for insisting that Iran take full responsibility for blowing up a civilian airliner and promise never to do it again. For once, he's doing all that can be expected of him, because in case you didn't know, nobody cares about Canada, even when our citizens are murdered. What is he supposed to do? Push for sanctions? Declare war?
Turns out that there's a downside to being a bunch of quirky peace-loving frozen weirdos that apparently need a couple of British ex(?)-royals to move here in order to "inject" some "razzle-dazzle" and make things "giddy" in our "bone-chillingly cold country"! And let's hope that Meghan and Harry do move here, or else we'll be madder than we were when 63 Canadians were blown up on a commercial flight. Hey, remember when that was a thing? No you don't, because nobody cares about Canada.
Oh, hey, here's a fun story! Some hilarity ensued at the Pickering nuclear power plant and we got a couple of emergency notifications telling us that there wasn't an emergency and that we should all go back to bed! Time to bust out the Homer Simpson at the power plant .gifs and go absolutely bananas to celebrate not being obliterated in a mushroom cloud. But even if Pickering was reduced to looking like the setting of the latest Fallout game, who cares??? It's Pickering, for crying out loud! A nuke could only improve things! Think we'll ever get an explanation for what happened here, or actually punish someone for wrongdoing? Come onnnn! Some poor goof was probably just a little hungover on a Sunday morning, that's all.
It's time to take Laurier's face off the 5 dollar bill! They want a truly "bankable" person, because it's not like one of our most consequential PM's is bankable in Canada in 2019. Nothing he did matters! Nobody cares! Maybe we should replace him with Eve Dubois, a person who went viral on Family Feud Canada and was promptly offered $10K worth of fried chicken from Popeye's. Or perhaps we should try Jacob here, who wanted a Toronto Maple Leafs cake and got a cake with the Maple Leaf Foods logo instead, and then got free Leafs tickets and presumably Maple Leaf Food food products for life!
If the nihilism that pervades Canadian culture bothers you, and if the fact that Canada's commentariat trade royalist fantasies and moral equivalencies between the USA and Iran amongst themselves bothers you, well, tough Timbits (now available in breakfast cereal format!) because guess what nobody cares about any of this. Just try to explain any of the above stories to your American friends without their brains leaking out of their ears. Actually, don't waste an American's time with that, because they have consequential things to worry about.
The left likes to complain about how in our profit driven society, people come last. But they never complain about how nobody cares about Canada (because they're actively trying to undermine the very idea of Canada) so why should anyone care about people? And if you're on the right, how do you get people to care about the deficit, about taxes, about the supposed rights of the unborn or the family when nobody cares about Canada?
So long as Canada is this silly place where we can't remember the words to the anthem, don't know our own history, and have to subsidize our own culture through tax credits, there's absolutely no point in wasting our time with anything else, or getting upset about anything else. Priority #1 should be getting Canadians first, and the world second, to care about us. But this is what we bought when we allowed a guy who thinks our nation is some post-national anomaly to rule over us.
And until we get someone to run for office that makes Canadians feel proud to be Canadian again, we will remain trapped in this comedy of errors.
Photo Credit: Maclean's
Written by Josh Lieblein