Now that Andrew Scheer has blown what everyone is belatedly calling a winnable election, it's time for some punch-yourself-in-the-gonads-stupid fantasy casting punditry about who should be taking over his job. We've had calls for the return of the Mulroney dynasty by Liberals in the pages of the Toronto Sun. We've had comparisons between Joe Biden and Peter MacKay that raise more questions about the author's mental state than either MacKay's or Biden's. We've had wishcasting for a Conservative leader from Quebec, which is convenient, as I hear Maxime Bernier has some free time on his hands as of late.
And yet, for all this, nobody has taken the obvious moon shot of calling for someone who has no political experience whatsoever to parachute in and save the CPC from oblivion. Given that the real problem with the CPC is, and always has been, the complete lack of unifying or galvanizing ideas, which stems from the as-yet-unanswered question of why there should be a conservative party in Canada at all, it's amazing that nobody has made an appeal to some clueless celebrity/businessperson who will turn the sleepy world of Canadian politics upside down by virtue of not having had their brain eaten by the talking point generators yet.
So let's get it out of the way now: Keanu Reeves for CPC Leader! Because when your politics is a bad simulacrum of reality, who better to turn to than the guy who starred in the Matrix films?
Unlike Justin Trudeau, who disappointed us by turning out to be a regular old crummy Canadian politician instead of the demigod we felt we were entitled to, Keanu's celebrity shine is brighter than ever. I say that because I saw him on the cover of a magazine while standing in a checkout line, and that's more research than any of these pundits did when they sat down to unleash their misshapen columns on the world. He's an attractive person, who was recently seen dating another attractive person, and therefore must have attractive views, which are by necessity free of obvious hang-ups about marching in Pride parades.
Incidentally, remember that time that Scheer's views on pride parades were the reason why he lost the election? The well-known views he's had for decades that we are suddenly discovering as a nation, possibly because the PMO is directing journalists to ask a lot of questions on the subject? The clumsily articulated, difference-straddling views that he offers up because he knows this entire exercise is a joke but won't say so? I don't know where you were all election long, but we're having A National Moment about the views of a leader who most people had already written off as a complete irrelevant doofus and would certainly never be caught dead voting for. And it's entirely Scheer's own fault, because he the guy who was being mocked with an #Insinscheer hashtag, recall isn't promising to protect LGBTQ Canadians. The fact that most Canadians would turn around, fold their arms indignantly, and refuse to believe anything he says forever doesn't enter into it.
Imagine Canadian journalists asking Keanu about his views on Pride parades, or on any issue at all. He could answer every question from now until forever with "Whoa! The Matrix is totally….whoa! Most excellent!" and the media would just laugh and smile. The fact that Keanu has dual citizenship? A mere trifle! The fact that he doesn't have a university degree? Don't screw this up for us, you nitpicky nerds. Do you want to be the guy who ruined the possibility of Prime Minister John Wick?
As the guy who flipped off the Devil in "Constantine", we know that Keanu is able to stand toe to toe with Donald Trump. He kept a bus from blowing up by responsibly keeping it within the speed limit in "Speed", which means that when he's in Canada's driver's seat, he's unlikely to go too fast or slow. And you just know that he could negotiate a better NAFTA deal than Trudeau, since he played alien ambassador Klaatu in the remake of "The Day The Earth Stood Still". Yes, yes, he was just acting in these movies, but he's more believable acting than everyone else is in real life!
Photo Credit: The Jakarta Post
Written by Josh Lieblein