We're coming up on the one-year anniversary of Doug Ford's election as Premier of Ontario, and things are getting contentious. People are bringing replicas of guillotines to Queen's Park, PC MPP Sam Oosterhoff invoked Dr. Seuss to bring some much-needed gravitas to our country's non-existent abortion debate, and Bob Hepburn of the Toronto Star has updated his Worst Premier In The History of Ever rankings to put Doug Ford at the top.
All over the province, Ontarians are taking the bold step of publicly voicing displeasure with the Premier and his government. Take the time he got booed at the Special Olympics… what's that? You didn't know that he got booed at the Special Olympics? That wasn't BREAKING NEWS in your world? Well, wait till you hear about how he said that was the first time that he had ever been booed publicly, a statement that was IMMEDIATELY FACT CHECKED to reveal that he had actually been booed before, for saying that his doctor, dentist, and lawyer were Jewish.
Now, I'm not saying that we should embark on another one of these Draft John Tory movements that seem to take place every few years just because John Tory was cheered at the Special Olympics, except, that's exactly what I'm saying. I mean, he's the perfect candidate. I know I said that about Patrick Brown before, but come on- why should we settle for the Mayor of some lowly burb when we could concentrate ALL the power in downtown Toronto, where it was always meant to be concentrated? Do you feel like waiting for two hours on the 401 just to make the drive out to Brampton? I don't think so!
For one thing, John Tory is not Doug Ford, which automatically makes him leadership material. For another thing, he's already beaten Doug Ford, even though Doug Ford was just tagging in for his dying brother at the time, and the Mayor of Toronto is not the Premier of Ontario. And for a third thing, even though the province elected Doug Ford in a landslide, Ontario is still Red Tory country (because we said so), and all the good little Red Tory piggies will go wee-wee-wee all the way back to their PROGRESSIVE home once John Tory puts his name on the ballot. You can tell that the right is scared of John Tory because they circulated a video of the Toronto Mayor stuffing a $5 bill in a drag queen's thong through their dark money networks, and you can tell the left is scared of Tory because they were upset that he only tipped $5.
I can see it now: John Tory and Kathleen Wynne, embracing before a crowd of unenthusiastic partisans. The sound of dutiful clapping and the occasional half-hearted "Woooo!" fills the air as Wynne gives up her seat of Don Valley West so Tory can finally claim it 12 years after the fact. The insincere comments from Liberal functionaries (who never wanted her there in the first place) about how Wynne bowed out gracefully and is now somehow redeemed for blowing up the party, while a bunch of PC's in name only wonder why she was so unpopular. A flashbulb pops as the Toronto Sun headline guys choose between JOHN LIBERAL and LIBERAL TORY, SAME OLD STORY. Meanwhile, on Twitter, Warren Kinsella and Nick Kouvalis decide whether to renew their hostilities or not for the millionth time. Will they put their differences aside to fight off Doug Ford and the forces of neofascist Trumpist white supremacist racist sexist homophobist populism, or will they put their differences aside to fight off John Tory and the greedy downtown gravy train riding champagne sipping elitist pigs at the trough? The NDP puts up that picture of Doug whacking Tory with a cricket paddle and gets a few likes, which is enough to keep them excited for weeks.
I realize that the notion of John Tory as a Liberal saviour is a centrist hack's wet dream and is utterly cynical, but on the other hand, sometimes what you need to defeat a privileged businessman is an even more privileged businessman. The centrist hacks got us into this mess, and by cracky, they're the ones who are going to get us out of it!
Photo Credit: Toronto Star
Written by Josh Lieblein