Ooooh, look at me! I'm a Canadian social media influencer who fights white supremacy and all of the phobias by tweeting a lot! Here I am cheering on the swarming of a CityTV reporter! Here I am telling Jason Kenney to perform a vaguely sexual act on me! Here I am using a dead child as a shield against criticism!
Do I actually do anything to help the victims of white supremacy besides podcasting and empty fauxtivist gestures and signal boosts? Naaaaah! That kind of stuff's for losers who don't know how to look good in an Instagram photo. Because that's what this is about: LOOKING GOOD. I must LOOK GOOD because in order to BE good, you must also LOOK good. That's why I endorse punching Nazis even though I'd never actually do it myself, because has anyone in the history of time ever looked their best while smashing someone else in the face?
You know who doesn't look good? White supremacists! I mean, really- tiki torches and polo shirts? Or just have a look at President Cheeto over there! The man is orange and has small hands and a stupid combover and his tie's too long! Let's all point and laugh at him and call it "fighting white supremacy" and feel good about ourselves and call it a day. Let's mock Doug Ford for his weight! Let's talk about how bland-looking Andrew Scheer is! Hey, remember the time Harper hired a personal stylist and we all fell about the place laughing? Don't you know that this is a fashion show, not actual real-life politics where decisions have consequences?
Honestly, I can't for the life of me figure out why conservatives keep walking away with elections in this country. Not while people are announcing to the world, with literally no prompting, that they are unfollowing Rebel Media contributors! It must be the fault of the right wing mobs! Sure, that's it!
Those right wing mobs have been spreading all kinds of disinformation about me, saying that my Twitter posturing is all about covering up for my own insecurity and self-hatred. Total fake news! I want everyone to know is that there is a world of difference between me and those centrists who don't endorse direct action and the vapid, image-obsessed, quick-to-resort-to-violence moron running this country that they support. I totally hate Justin Trudeau, guys! That guy's politics are totally superficial and shallow, unlike my own! I hate him so much that I'm going to seriously think about not voting "strategically" for him in the next election.
Hey, I know what I'm going to do: I'm going to mock someone much more famous and influential than me until his/her supporters react. Then I'm going to act like I don't know why they're getting so defensive. Don't these people believe in freedom of speech?
Then, after my latest nigh-incomprehensible ramble in Canada's newspaper of record fails to trend, I'm going to hang out in the mentions of my favourite Chapo Trap House host, tagging them every so often and hoping they'll look upon my offering favourably. Dear Chapo, you still ain't called or wrote, hope you had the chance.
I have to say, if I were someone in Canada who was actually affected by white supremacy a REAL disadvantaged person instead of someone who just plays one on Twitter and I needed an influencer like me to use their privilege for good, I would feel so much better knowing that the guy who named his black cat "Stockily" (after the leader of the Black Panthers, in case you didn't get that super edgy reference) has my back.
And if they don't appreciate the amazing job I'm doing, well, then they must be white nationalists and white supremacists too! They must be totally bad and everything they say must be in bad faith, because I am totally good and not a completely talentless and jealous hack! I absolutely do not spin conspiracy theories about corporations for the same reasons that white nationalists spin theories about "the Jews!" I don't need to just read "12 Rules For Life" and call it a day! I am good! They are bad! I am good! They are bad!
Written by Josh Lieblein