Are you there, God? It's me, Josh.
Look, God, I try to give credit where credit is due. If I make a successful prediction, like Maxime Bernier imploding spectacularly, or Doug Ford winning the Premiership in spite of himself, or the Canadian left catching the next train to Radical Town, leaving Jagmeet Singh and Rachel Notley trailing behind, I don't go around claiming to be, well, You, just because I was the one man who saw it coming. I don't even claim to have any special insight. All I do is set up a trendline and collect the data points.
I have to believe You're the one who's running the show, even though I personally am not the most religious person out there. I have to believe it, because Patrick Brown being stupid and entitled enough to think that he can run for the leadership of the Ontario Liberal Party is not the sort of thing that cannot be chalked up to mere chaos. That level of crazy has to be planned. Cosmically planned.
And yet, it would be too perfect, wouldn't it? Patrick Brown looking across the caucus table at Kathleen Wynne, sharing ideas on how to get more women involved in politics. Patrick Brown in the Legislature, denouncing the PC Party for dragging their feet on sex-ed. Patrick Brown, giving interviews about how he's running to "protect the centre" or how he was always a Liberal at heart, shaking hands with Justin Trudeau and promising to run campaigns based on "positive politics." And that's just Patrick Brown. All the usual Liberal sycophants, having to introduce him as "the next Premier of Ontario" at campaign stops and having to cede one of their 7 ridings to him. Martin Regg Cohn's columns and Robert Benzie's tweets praising him as the antidote to Doug Ford. Bill Davis' completely serious endorsement and of course Bill Davis will still be alive in 2022, how dare you suggest otherwise?
Because of course the Liberals would welcome Brown with open arms, in their cultish way, for it would be a validation of one of their core beliefs: that we are all Liberals, whether we choose to admit it or not, and that there is no one so loathsome, no one so depraved and discredited as to be turned away should they bend the knee and accept the Grit yoke. Come all ye sinners that ye may be washed clean! (Are you still listening, God?)
Oh, and it gets better. Those Patrick Brown loyalists? The ones still filling seats, still holding down riding association positions and sitting on the executive? The ones pining for the return of the true PROGRESSIVE Conservative party? What a moral quandary for them, huh? How many dark nights of the soul will they endure? Their lips, they say no, but their eyes, they say yes, yes, yes!
And finally, the rest of the PC Party, the ones who don't think that pretending to be Liberals is a viable electoral strategy, and the ones who just really can't stand Patrick Brown, and the diehard partisans who stupidly backed his run for Mayor of Brampton because his opponent Linda Jeffrey was an open Liberal as opposed to a secret one, will be revving up their chainsaws.
The more I think about this, the more it feels a win for literally everyone involved, because literally everyone involved is pretending to be something they're not, and Patrick Brown declaring for the Liberals would be the one thing that would put everything right at once. The Progressive Conservatives could be Liberals, the Conservatives could stop pretending to care about people, and the Liberals could display that they have no ideology except power. The NDP get to present their usual non-argument that the Liberals and the Conservatives are exactly the same and be less wrong than usual, and the election itself can be open war between two men who actually hate each other instead of party leaders who are told to pretend that they hate each other because their strategists told them to.
I know everyone says spit in one hand and pray in the other and see which one fills up first, but if God has a sense of humour, he can intervene just this once…
Photo Credit: CBC News
Written by Josh Lieblein