"What makes our country strong is the fact that immigrants, while being proud of the culture of their ancestors, integrate into our society, learn about Canadian culture and history, and share our values.  They want to be treated as CANADIANS, not as members of tribes."  Max Bernier, being Max Bernier, on Twitter, Sept 16, 2018, 9:29 AM EST

QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC- PPC (not to be confused with PCP, or the P-P Party of Canada) Leader Maxime Bernier suspended his all-out war against the intelligence of Canadians for five minutes and announced late Sunday that he would take his whining about too much diversity to its logical conclusion and anglicize his name to "Mike Bowman."

Bowman's move, which goes some way towards finally proving that he's something more than a cardboard cutout of a "principled conservative", comes right smack dab in the middle of a Quebec provincial election, one where pundits are actually daring to hope that La Belle Province has at long last turned the corner on separatism.

Bowman was nearly unrecognizable without his hair dye and gel, and wearing flannel, a T-shirt and jeans instead of his usual tailored suits as he stood before bewildered reporters.

"Friggin' right, eh?" Bowman drawled in between sips of ginger ale and puffs on a bubblegum-flavoured vape.  "I mean, it just didn't make sense to go on tellin' all the immigrants there to integrate into society when Quebec just couldn't be bothered, yanno?"

Asked what this means for the aspirations of the Quebecois nation, heretofore considered distinct and unique, Bowman commented, "Ahh, those guys need ta give their heads a shake.  I mean, the Battle on the Plains of Abraham was 259 years ago, and the Habs haven't won the Cup in 25 years.  At some point ya gotta get yer ducks in a row, eh?  Gotta get them priorities straight."

Bowman credits the boys down at the Lindsay, Ontario branch of the Royal Canadian Legion with his quick integration into Canadian society.  "All these English Canada politicians takin' their 'French lessons' for years on end, and I got rid of my accent in, oh, about a week?  Figure that one out!" quipped the new leader.

Disappointed fans of the "Mad Max" branding are consoling themselves by doing crummy memes of the various macho Mikes littered throughout popular culture instead with Bowman's head photoshopped on top.  At press time, Dirty Jobs frontman Mike Rowe was topping the list, but Metro City Mayor Mike Haggar, rapper Killer Mike, and legendary NFL football coach Mike Ditka were running closely behind.

Bowman now says he will make Quebec's integration into Canada a priority of his new party.  In addition to the province signing the actual freaking Constitution, the now-intelligible Quebecker pledges he will work with his provincial counterpart to finally bring inexpensive alcohol, tasty fried chicken, and less uptight attitudes towards sex to the rest of Canada.  Bowman has also not ruled out trying to get Canadians-formerly-known-as-French-Canadians to eat their pizza with the meat on top of the cheese like the rest of civilization.

"Can't do much about the Jos. Louis snack cakes, though," the new leader said.  "Those probably won't ever die out.  Probably going to have to keep the Bonhomme at home, as well, and those green Just for Laughs Comedy Festival demons, too.  Seriously, what are those things?"

A photo-op with the Queen has been scheduled, and Bowman will make his first-ever appearance at an International Ploughing Match later this fall.

New polls show that now that Bowman has stopped just talking about "Unity over Diversity" and started being about it, his party looks to actually be competitive with Andrew Scheer's Conservatives in the next election, instead of just some bunch of yahoos who will shave 4% off of the CPC vote total and give Trudeau 4 more years in office.

"Ehhh, it was bound to 'appen at some point, ouai?"  PQ leader Jean-Francois Lisee was quoted as saying.  "Pretending to 'ate Canada, it is very 'ard act to keep up!  We've just been doing eet for so long dat we forgot 'ow to do any-ting else!  My name, it is actually John Francis, but I just change it to impress les filles, you know?"

 

Written by Josh Lieblein