You know, all these accusations of racism, flying in all directions, totally not disproportionately coming from us, is really lowering the quality of debate at Queen's Park. It's time to move on from this toxic debate to something a lot less likely to blow up in our face Toronto separatism!
Let us tell you, when we saw Toronto Mayor John Tory totally knuckle under before Doug Ford's dictatorial diktat, we were utterly flabbergasted. Who could have predicted that John Tory was such a wet blanket and a total right-wing sycophant at the same time? He seemed like such a nice man, always benignly neglecting things. Instead, his name was a dead giveaway the whole time! So that's what Conservatives mean when they attack people for being "Tories In Name Only"! We would call him "Weak John Tory", but that's already taken.
Some might accuse us of having no imagination and just doing what every other Canadian province or region does when they get the short end of the stick, and we just want to stress that we're nothing at all like the country-breaking Western Republicanism advocated by former CPC MPs. Toronto becoming an NDP city-state where anti-choice protestors are run out of town is not a crazy idea. Would Jane Jacobs have endorsed it if it was? What's that? She also endorsed Quebec separatism? Hmmm….well, maybe if we were working towards "A Proposal For The Province of Toronto" rather than "separatism", it'd ruffle a few less feathers. Hey it worked when we called border crossers "irregular", and a carbon tax "a price on carbon"!
Just because we're breaking up with the rest of the province doesn't mean that it has to be one of those messy splits, the kind where you have your friends collect your records and a change of number. Brexit showed us that mass populist uprisings can actually be something that brings a country together! We just have to make sure we avoid divisive rhetoric as we make Toronto great again!…..whoops…..
OK, OK. Instead of a referendum, Torontonians could have a referen-SMART, where woke nine-year-olds could draw crayon pictures of the new Toronto strong and free, and Seth Rogen could be the official voice of our movement. Once that's done, we could draft Drake to be our new Premier and have him issue diss tracks on Instagram towards Doug Ford. Oh, hold on a minute Doug Ford is still a Torontonian, isn't he? Couldn't we just pretend that Etobicoke is part of Mississauga? No?
Well, maybe this movement will get off the ground and avoid divisive rhetoric that could be easily exploited by Russian bots if we pitch Toronto as a way of being, rather than a shared identity based on geography. We could emancipate ourselves IN OUR MINDS and in the way we treat each other! Toronto is the way we mishandle potential hometown sports heroes! Toronto is the way we allow Google to turn us into a city of lab rats! Toronto is our commitment to building buildings that resemble giant fish tanks, breeding raccoon super-soldiers, and to laying down streetcar tracks first and then waiting around for Bombardier to deliver afterwards!
…..nope, sorry. The #Resistance can delude itself into a lot of things, but not even we can pretend that we can jump-start a popular movement without tapping into a sense of grievance. Not while Jennifer Keesmaat, bless her heart, is the best we can do for a leader.
Right, then! Are you sick of having to cater to those backward hicks in London and Kingston and Kitchener with programs like "Schitt's Creek"? Fed up with people from Milton and Malton and Halton using our highways without being forced to pay a head tax first? Tired of those bumpkins in drive-through-to-the-cottage-country who know how to hunt and fish and build things but don't know how to code? Well, we say that it's time to tell the 705 to take a dive! It's time for the 519 to get to the back of the line! The 613 can go pee up a tree while getting some rhinoplasty, because here comes #6ixit!
Photo Credit: CBC News
Written by Josh Lieblein