Hey everybody, today I'm a Canadian Progressive Legacy Media Columnist again, and let it never be said that the newspaper business is getting less relevant, because we've been working overtime holding Un-Premier Ford's feet to the fire while the Opposition sorts themselves out. Only 3 years and 11 months to go until the Liberals are returned with a majority government and sanity is restored!
It's so great to have Press Gallery veterans of the last PC Party assault on democracy still around, many in the same positions they held back in 1995, to set the agenda for the Glorious #Resistance this time around. The Fords may have kicked our tails twice, bringing to mind that old expression, "Fool Ontarians Once, Shame On Ford, Fool Ontarians Twice, Shame On Anybody But Journalists," but rest assured that ol' Doug The Thug will start sweating through that blue polo shirt of his once he sees what we've got in store for him!
We've got not one, but TWO Legacy Media Editorials talking about how awful Doug's first week was. The first calls it "worrisome", while the second calls it "troubling"! See what we did there? Meanwhile, we've been careful to highlight how Trudeau and Ford didn't get along during their first meeting, because disagreement is bad, and also because Premiers and Prime Ministers have never in the history of Confederation gotten offside with one another. Kathleen Wynne campaigning against Stephen Harper? Totally different story, because of REASONS. The high foreheads over at Maclean's have even taken to making up new words, like "ecthrocratic", to describe Ford's style of "governance". (Upcoming Maclean's article: "Is "ecthrocratic" the hottest new hashtag of Summer 2018?")
How anyone could get the idea that we're giving Justin Trudeau a free pass on those totally-not-#MeToo 18-year-old nothing-burger allegations while going All In on Doug's ecthrocratic tendencies is beyond us. Maybe the same people who are mad about that are the same people who Doug is allegedly For. But, as we're going to be repeating a lot over the next 3.917 years, Doug isn't actually "For The People." He's certainly for big corporations like StubHub, who are definitely not people, and he's definitely for the Ontario Police Association, who are even less people-y.
He's absolutely for those rural bumps who actually think cap-and-trade is a pyramid scheme through which big corporations purchase a license to pollute through the equivalent of carbon bitcoins, which clearly makes them too stupid to be people. I mean, you could make the case that buying carbon credits would make those big corporations people again, but we'll never know thanks to Un-Premier Doug.
Let's be clear: The Un-Premier (and certainly not us journalists) is dividing Ontarians into People (who he says, misleadingly, that he is For) and Un-People. Whereas the Ontario Liberals governed by Moving Ontario Forward Together, whether some Ontarians wanted to be Moved Forward or not, Doug is choosing conflict over consensus by ginning up imaginary grievances against downtown Toronto elites.
Speaking of which, what is a downtown Toronto elite, anyway? Do they get membership cards in the mail? Is Doug Ford actually dumb enough to not realize that he himself is an elite? Let me tell you, I'm so sick of these ignorant Conservative rubes who don't understand how things work. Why can't we get someone who's well-educated with real-world experience that will raise our standing on the world stage to rule over us?
Where was I? Oh yes: Doug Ford, a fake Premier who won an election that he didn't actually win because he used false and misleading rhetoric and claimed to speak for people when he wasn't actually speaking for those people, is now creating fake grievances by throwing red meat to his base, who don't actually speak for Ontarians either, which creates divisions that didn't exist before and which will have the real consequence of making us more like the United States.
Confused? Well, it certainly makes sense to us, and that's why you need us, the media, the purveyors of real facts as opposed to Doug's un-facts.
Written by Josh Lieblien