It's a new year, and that means new things can happen.

All sorts of new things: flying cars, jet packs, space-age food that's less filling and tastes great.  Mostly, though, it's time for predictions.

It's my solemn duty, as an internet pundit, to set down in digital permanence what will absolutely happen in the next 52 weeks.  The bad news: almost none of these things will happen.  The good news: there's no consequence for me being wrong.

What follows are my absolutely iron-clad predictions for the year of our Trudeau, 2017.  The things I'm right about, I will endlessly brag about on Twitter.  The things that I'm wrong about I will have purged from your memories.

• First up, we will not get jetpacks or flying cars this year.  People can barely handle the two-dimensional space of the road, there's no way we're capable of handling the third dimension of the sky.  Maybe next year, though!

• Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will continue with his nonsense defence of pay-to-play fundraisers, by continuing to say he talks about the middle class at these events.  He'll pay very little public price.  This will frustrate the press to no end, until we realize this gives us the chance for another round of "is the honeymoon over?" stories.  Anyway, Trudeau's ability to skate on this controversy will give him and his government the impression they can skate on anything, which will lead to some hubristic blunder that will do real damage.  Probably something surfing related.

• There will not be a nuclear apocalypse.  It's popular these days to casually assume the end times are upon us because Donald Trump, a profound dolt who only feels joy when he's exacting revenge, is about to be president.  Maybe it's my blind faith in humanity, maybe it's wishful thinking, but the blustering dope won't end civilization.  Earth will spin for another year.  But, if things really do go to hell, symmetrical Saskatchewan will be unscathed.  PEI, however, will be overrun with mutant potatoes, hellbent on the domination of whatever humans remain.  You've been warned.

• Tom Mulcair will stay leader of the NDP.  He'll shave enough of his beard—maybe into some tasteful mutton chops—to convince the party he's a changed man, and that will be enough.  Who else is going to do it, Charlie Angus?  Get serious.

• Some wild and counter-intuitive health story will make headlines everywhere.  You should not listen to it, it will be dumb and probably based on limited evidence heavily torqued to make it a better news story.  Remember how flossing is useless?  I started flossing the day that story came out, on the assumption it was bunk.  (Incidentally, I also had a dentist appointment the next day.)

• Elizabeth May will stay leader of the Green Party.  She's the only one who's been able to win the party a seat in the Commons.  Electoral reform won't lead to proportional representation, and the party will be able to pat itself on the back for winning anything at all in such an unfair system.  May's iron grip on the party will never loosen, she is eternal.

• Speaking of electoral reform, don't expect any reform to happen.  The government has so botched its roll out they'll throw up their hands and blame someone else for it.  Probably Democratic Institutions Minister Maryam Monsef, who will be shuffled out of cabinet and into the back benches, where she will belatedly be given the time and space to learn the ropes of Parliament.  The government won't pay a price for this failure.  Trudeau was right, now that Stephen Harper is gone, many folks are content with the voting system as it stands.  Funny, that.

• 04-33-21-11-15-27.  Lotto 649 winning numbers for the third drawing in February.  You're welcome.

• Kevin O'Leary will not win the Conservative Party leadership after he's carried away in a bouncy castle on a blustery day.  We miss you, Kev.  Stay strong out there.

• Kellie Leitch, on the other hand, will win the Conservative Party leadership.  It will not go well.  Focus grouping your way to the head of a party will turn out to be much easier to pull off than focus grouping your way out of opposition.  Canada is not yet ready for an empty vessel to be made prime minister.

That's how 2017 will go.  Exciting, yeah?  Come back next year and we can completely ignore all the wrong things I said here, and do it all again.

Photo Credit: Metro News